I feel that my family’s financial success is due in large part to how Tracy (my wife) and I work together as a team. We set goals for our family and strive to achieve them with each other’s support. It is extremely important for a husband and wife to be on the same page with their finances. Here are a few more statistics that demonstrate this:
According to a survey by ForbesWoman and the National Endowment for Financial Education, 31 % of people lied to their spouses about money, 67% argued over money lies and 16% of these money lies led to divorce.

A Utah State study showed that a couple with $10,000 in debt and no savings is about twice as likely to divorce as a couple with $10,000 in savings and no credit card debt.

A study done by Citibank found that 57% of divorced couples said money fights were the primary reason they did not get along.

I know how crazy and hectic life can be sometimes.  Between kids, work, staying on top of our bills and everything else going on in our lives Tracy and I are pretty busy—as are most folks. I couldn’t imagine adding money troubles/arguments to the equation. I see why financial problems can lead to divorce; for many these problems are the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Even though I’m the numbers person in my marriage, my family would not be in good financial shape without Tracy.

In most relationships, one person is more of the “saver” and the other the “spender.”  There is nothing wrong with this; in fact, I think this can be a good thing.  In our marriage, Tracy was the spender and I was the saver.  Over time, we both have been influenced by each other and Tracy is now more of a saver and I do not worry as much about saving money.  Don’t get me wrong, I will probably never be a free-spender but I do not fret as much over spending money as I did in the past.  I know we have an emergency fund in place for a reason and do not mind when we have to use it for something important.

If one partner is constantly spending every dollar that comes in whereas the other partner feels it is important to save and have some financial security, there is going to be trouble down the road.  It is so important to work alongside your spouse when making money decisions.  Accomplishing financial goals as a team strengthens your marriage way beyond the numbers a bank account can depict.

During this time, I started wondering how much a stay-at-home mom was worth.  I know Tracy gets paid nothing but what she does for our daughters is priceless.   Insure.com recently did a study around Mother’s Day that showed how much a stay-at-home mother would get paid if they earned a salary for the work they put in.  This figure came out to more than $61,000 a year!  Here is a how they came up with this amount:

I know this study was somewhat generous and the careers some of the jobs were tied to were a bit of a stretch but it definitely made me think.  Tracy and I both feel that having her stay home and raise Ava and Ella is very important and we have sacrificed around $250,000 (the amount she would have been paid had she stayed in the classroom rather than at home) for her to do so.  This figure might be higher than the actual amount since we would have had to pay for child care had Tracy continued to teach but it is still a pretty good amount.

I know that having one parent stay home is not ideal for every family.  Some feel that it is important to have more money coming into the house.  I have no problem at all with that – you have to do what is right for your family.  Tracy and I discussed this long before we had children and felt that having her be a stay-at-home mom for as long as possible was the best situation for our family.

Being in charge of the kids for just one weekend made me appreciate Tracy in an entire different light.  I think she does an amazing job but sometimes it takes walking in someone’s else’s shoes to really see all that they do.  Tracy, thank you for being the great wife and mother that you are!

Photo credit: herzogbr

I have written a previous post about the downfall of spending a lot of money and going into debt for that one magical day – Valentines Day Proposals: Deepening Your Love Without Debt.

Even though I am not a huge fan of weddings and the money they cost, I must admit that I did tune in briefly to watch Kate and William exchange vows.  While watching, I looked over at my 3 year-old daughter (Ella) whose eyes were GLUED to the television set.  She was almost in a trance and mesmerized by Kate’s dress.  Ella has always been my princess daughter from the time she was old enough to dress herself.  She was constantly changing her outfits so much that Tracy and I had to come up with a rule in which she is allowed to pick out two outfits that she can change into each day.  It was getting to the point that she was putting on 10 different dresses a day that we had to hang back up in her closet.  I would ask why she kept changing and Ella would respond, “This dress is not pretty.”  UGH!

I think it is sweet when she dresses up as Cinderella or Snow White but wonder why she is so attracted to princesses.  A few months ago, my family was interviewed by Christine Romans on CNN’s Your Bottom Line.  Christine asked my 6 year-old daughter, Ava, what she wanted to be when she got older.  Ava responded “an artist.”  This did not surprise me since Ava loves to draw and create.  Christine asked Ella this same question and got a much different response.  Without any hesitation, Ella answered “a princess.”  I feel sorry for her future husband.

All joking aside, I wonder why so many girls dream of becoming a princess.  I know Disney movies might play a role in this but even as girls grow older and realize that these movies are fantasy, they still dream about this.  From Ella’s point of view, I don’t know if it has to do with her watching how much Tracy does at home.  I know Tracy and I both feel blessed that she is able to be a stay-at-home mom but she works extremely hard.  Maybe this has an impact on Ella.  She sees how much effort Tracy puts into making our household run smoothly and all the work the goes into this.  I don’t know if this has any effect on her but maybe, in her subconscious, she just wants her Prince Charming to come along and take her to his castle.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the Royal Wedding was very magical.  The hard part is it is not a reality for most girls.  Many people can achieve great success and have rich lives but it will not come in the form of being whisked away to live happily ever after.

What do you think is the biggest struggle for married couples when it comes to money?

“One of the biggest struggles I think for a lot of couples is becoming one in their marriage in all things, even things like money. I think the temptation can be to allow one partner to take the lead on the finances, and the other just defers to the other one, and never gets involved in the money discussions. I think that can be a mistake, and can often lead to mis-communications, and one partner feeling like their input isn’t valued.  For that reason I like to have weekly or monthly family budget meetings where the husband and wife sit down and talk about the financial situation, even if it is just a brief meeting. Allow both partners to have say in the budget, and have them change things if needed.   It needs to be a partnership and something both people are involved in, at least to some degree.  Make sure you’re always looking out for the best interests of your spouse, not just yourself. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4 NIV)”- BibleMoneyMatters.com

“Being on the same page concerning all the aspects of personal finance: earning, saving, spending, giving, etc.” – FreeMoneyFinance.com

“Many couples lack the fundamental understanding of stewardship.  God is the owner of money and we are called to be the money managers.  Husband and wife should manage faithfully God’s resources as one, not separately.  Practically, I think this is best done when husband and wife stop managing money with separate checking accounts.  Whether income is earned by husband or wife it should be viewed as money entrusted by God for both to manage.  Furthermore, husbands and wives should communicate often about spending decisions to insure both are on the same page before spending occurs.  This is often done in a 15 minute monthly planning meeting to create a spending plan and another 15 minute weekly meeting to review progress with the plan.” – OneMoneyDesign.com

“I’d say clear and consistent communication can be a big struggle.  Too often only one person is “running the finances” and has a clear picture of what is happening or needs to happen.  Meanwhile, their spouse can be in the dark and not understand their finances.  Open and frequent communication about money helps to make sure you’re both heading for the same goals and are in agreement about what you should do.  But the key is to make sure that communication is not about placing blame.  It needs to be positive and focused on how you as a couple can serve the Lord in your finances.” - ProvidentPlan.com

“Jesus said our money and our hearts are always in the same place (Matt. 6:21); therefore, the way we spend our money is a value statement.  From giving to charity to saving for the future to which type of shampoo to buy, the way we spend our money revolves around what is important to us.  You have to recognize this in marriage because–big surprise–you and your spouse will always value things a little differently.  For example, my wife cares as much about HDTV channels as I do about having seasonal Christmas plates.  Without communication, compromise, and striving towards oneness in your marriage and your budget, you will always fight about money because you both view nearly everything with a different level of importance.” – DollarsandDoctrine.com

“I think the biggest struggle for married couples is prioritizing spending. One spouse thinks that $30 for a manicure is a great way to use money. Another spouse thinks the $30 should be used on video games.  Frustrations abound when couples can’t agree on what is important when it comes to spending.  The solution is honest communication, frequent discussions, a lot of compromise, and an extra measure of God’s grace.” – MoneyHelpForChristians.com

“It’s tough to choose just one!  But I’d say one of the biggest struggles is striking the balance between working as a team while also maintaining some financial freedom.  Of course, it’s best to work as a team, deciding together on how the household income will be given, saved, invested, and spent.  But at the same time, it’s also really helpful for each person to have some financial freedom.  When my wife, Jude, and I were first married, the way we bought clothing didn’t work at all.  We’d call each other wondering whether it’s okay to spend this or that amount.  Finally, we set up separate clothing budgets.  As long as we keep our spending to the allocated amounts, we have the freedom to buy whatever we want.  I know of other couples that have separate budgeted amounts for lunches with friends or hobbies.  I think that’s really healthy.  Work together on the overall budget, but each person should have some money that he or she is free to spend however they want to.” – MattaboutMoney.com

“Coming to an agreement for a budget is one of the biggest financial challenges a married couple may face during their marriage.  This can be especially true for newlyweds who might need to make sharp adjustments in certain spending categories: entertainment, dining out, clothing, or their ‘fun money.’  With income and expense projections at hand along with a pencil and eraser, the couple should prioritize the categories and make the spending goals together.  It’s also important for the team to review their budget monthly and talk about what’s working and what’s not.  Discuss the areas that could use some adjusting and be generous with praise for each other on a job well done for sticking with the budget.” -FaithandFinance.com

“Although I’m not married yet, I see couples struggle a lot when they view money differently.  For example, if you had a husband who viewed money as something to steward over, while the wife sees money and spends it freely.  Considering money is the number one reason most couples divorce, it’s critical to talk about personal finance from the get-go.  This will not only save you numerous headaches but will strengthen your relationship!” – FreeMoneyWisdom.com

For more on the Christian Financial Alliance (or to join our team) click here.

Even though the nerd is doing all of these things, there is still another money manager in the family.  It’s the nerd’s spouse.  Now the spouse might not be as involved in day to day management.  In many cases the spouse doesn’t have knowledge of how much money is in the bank account.  Perhaps the spouse just knows how much he or she can spend on entertainment or clothes for the month and maybe a few other budget categories.

But, this is a dangerous approach to family finances.  What if something happened to the family CFO?  Would the spouse know how to step in and manage everything?  And we are all considered financial stewards in God’s eyes.  So, both spouses are responsible for managing resources that have been entrusted to their care by God.  If one spouse isn’t involved, how can he or she be managing God’s resources wisely?

The answer lies in a few ideas to get the cool person, not the nerd or family CFO, involved in the family finances.  The spouse doesn’t have to necessarily be involved in the day to day finances at the level of detail as the nerd, but should have knowledge of the resources and how they’re being used.  So, if you are the nerd, consider these tips to get your spouse more involved in the management of family finances.  He or she will appreciate it if done for the solid reasons I just mentioned.

1. Budget together every month

One of the most important things spouses can do together is budget their money together each month.  Even though you have fixed spending in place, there are still planning decisions to be made each month for discretionary spending.

2. Provide a weekly status report

While the monthly meeting is important, so is a weekly meeting about money.  All this requires is a review of spending for the major budget categories and a discussion around any new significant expenses required for the month.  I like to think of it as a status meeting.  If you want to take it to the next step, you can write down the balances of the major budget categories for your spouse so he or she knows the overall state of the spending plan.

3. Let your spouse tithe

One spouse may often pay the bills, tithe online, or even write out a check for tithing.  Let the other spouse do this important task.  Then, either give together online or take your check to church.  I can’t stress enough the important of both spouses being involved in prayerful giving each month.

4. Let your spouse pay some of the bills

So along the same lines as above, perhaps your spouse can pay some of the monthly bills.  Don’t overload the person who doesn’t normally do this work for the family, but giving them a few key bills to manage is a great way to involve the person and for them to fulfill being a good financial steward.

5. Take turns budgeting

Along with paying bills, this is another great way.  Let your spouse perform the management of an entire budget area.  For example, my wife is in charge of clothing for the children, she often buys the gifts for birthday parties and for other miscellaneous needs.  She is responsible for knowing how much money has been allocated to those areas and for managing within those sub budgets or categories.

6. Provide visibility to your personal finance software

Turn over a copy of the keys to full viewing and access to the personal finance software.  The spouse should be able to log into the account, find the budget and review spending against the budget categories.  Looking a checking account balance is not nearly as helpful or as important as being able to know the budget balance by category.

7. Seek your spouse’s input

Finally, a great way to involve your spouse is to ask them questions and seek their input about financial decisions.  You’re in dangerous territory if you’re managing the money on an island by yourself without financial counsel or advice from your spouse.  If you’re a male, don’t make this mistake.  Women have a great sense of intuition and often gifted with discernment.  These are important qualities and characteristics you need on your family money management team.

What ideas do you have to involve your spouse in the management of family finances?

I previously published this post at ChristianPF.com.

• Will you stay home with the baby or continue working?
• How do we pay off remaining debt so that we can afford additional expenses?
• Should we begin investing in our child’s future education (even before he or she is born)?
• What does it cost to have a baby?

With all those questions bouncing around in our heads and popping up over dinner conversations, our desire to find the answers seemed to well, just help us to really focus more on our financial stewardship.

In hindsight, it’s too bad it takes such big events (good or bad) to cause a more positive shift in one’s focus.  But yet, the motivation for financial responsibility somehow emerges whether it’s from within or after seeking some help from a friend or counselor.

Leave An Inheritance

Certainly, as parents the wrong attitude would be to spend all we have in order to enjoy it before we die.  A component of stewardship, and getting serious about finances, is managing money wisely so that we can invest in the future of our children.

A good man leave’s an inheritance to his children’s children (Proverbs 13:22).

In fact, I believe it’s Dave Ramsey who often mentions in his teachings that getting your financial situation under control is an opportunity to change your family tree!  Let’s dissect that for a moment.

Your Actions Today Can Change Your Family History

Have you ever thought about how your actions today can change your family history?  Let me be more direct.  The mismanagement of money could impact some of the financial struggles your child may face in the future.

I assume most people were not brought up under sound money management instruction and guidance within the family.  Unfortunately, education within our school systems and even in our immediate family was and is in many cases, still absent.

As an aside, I think every child should go through two courses at the appropriate age:  1) Biblical financial principles; 2) Practical steps and tools for managing money.

Today is an opportunity to change the future financial situation for your children and their children.  By leaving an inheritance, they have an opportunity to start their lives in a more financially stable position.

Get To The Wealth Building Stage ASAP

So as financial stewards husband and wife should try to get to the wealth building stage so they can create further financial stability and inheritance for children when they become adults.

For me, that sums it up right there.  Why tinker around with accumulating debt, paying off debt, accumulating debt, paying off debt, etc.  It’s spinning your wheels.

Rather, we should make forward progress and get to the wealth building stage of our destinations so that our family tree can be changed forever.  This includes becoming debt free and funding an emergency savings plan so that retirement investing can be started and finally, the savings towards a child’s future.

Help Ensure Children Avoid College Debt

I think about debt when it comes to saving for children’s education.  My parents provided much of my college needs and I’m grateful for that.  I know they had to take on some debt to do it, but as loving parents they did everything they could to help position me to leave college with as little student loans as possible.

I want to extend that even further by providing debt free education for my children.  I want to pay for their college with cash so they can leave without us both owing anything!

Building Momentum For Your Children

So, in summary, instead of your children digging, scraping and clawing their way to getting out of debt and building an emergency fund, they could skip some of the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps or Money Map Destinations (by Crown Financial Ministries) and go right into wealth building.

That’s right, have you ever considered the importance of this?  For many of us, we’re working hard to take steps to move forward on our respective journeys.  There is certainly something to be said for hard work.

But, if I we can teach children about money andprinciples of financial stewardship, but also advance them (or start them) further on the Crown Money Map or Dave Ramsey Baby Step journey, we will have followed the principles from Proverbs 12:22.

Do you plan to leave your children an inheritance?  If so, what steps are you taking today to do so?

This is a post I originally published at BibleMoneyMatters.com.

5 Parts of Communicating

There are five parts to communicating – what is said, what I thought I said, what I thought I expressed, what you thought you heard, and what you thought I expressed.  So let’s break this down and become better communicators.

1. What is Said

This is the facts of the conversation or communication.  If you were to record the conversation, this is what the recorder would play back for both us.

2.  What I Thought I Said

This is what I would repeat back to you if you asked me to repeat the conversation to you.  It is often pretty close to what was said but can vary.  It can include an extra thought or two that was not communicated but crucial.  It can also leave out some pieces.

3.  What I Thought I Expressed

This is the big picture and often the emotions part.  I may have thought I expressed excitement or maybe caution.  This is a crucial area to be clear in.  I need to not only use my tone of voice, but I also need to use the words and body language that fits the expression and emotions I’m trying to express.

4.  What You Though You Heard

This is what you believed I said to you.  If you were asked to repeat the conversation, this is what you would say.  It too is often pretty close to what was said but can vary.

5.  What You Thought I Expressed

This is a key area of whether the communication was successful or not.  Many times this is where the communication begins to fall apart.  You may have felt I was okay with an idea when I thought I expressed concern.  Or you may have thought I was a bit hesitant when in reality I was getting my thoughts together at the very exciting idea you just presented.

So what is the secret to clear communication?  It is making sure that all five pieces match!  It is being sure that you are both on the same page.

So how do you accomplish that?  Begin by making sure that you think about your style of communication and doing your best to make one, two, and three match.  Then ask the other person you are in conversation with to communicate back to you and confirm what you expressed to them. Ask them questions to confirm that four and five match one, two, and three.

Communication is not only important for your success in your marriage, work, and daily life, but it is especially key for finances.  Dishonesty real or perceived here can become a huge stumbling block in your marriage and relationship, so being sure to clearly communicate in the first conversation on a subject is very important.  So slow down and take the time to communicate clearly!

Your First Financial Committee Meeting

According to Dave Ramsey in Financial Peace Revisited, most marriages have a “Nerd” and a “Free Spirit,” a combination that makes spontaneous budgeting a nightmare. Unless you plan financial “meetings,” you’ll butt heads every time the subject is broached because one of you is in love with the budget and the other wants to fling it (and the other spouse) out the window. The reason this tends to happen is that the Nerd cares about the budget, spends time and energy on creating the budget, and expects the budget to become law. The Free Spirit wants to have a say, but isn’t the kind of person who enjoys playing with Quicken, so this spouse is disappointed when he or she isn’t consulted by the Nerd and is simply told what to do with the finances. Ultimately, neither spouse is in the right, and a meeting must be held to come to a reasonable consensus – not just on money, but on values. One of the best things you can do for yourself as the better half of a newlywed couple is to sit down and collaborate on your budget. Here are Dave Ramsey’s recommendations on how to do that successfully.

1. Getting Things Started: The Nerd & the Budget Proposal

When you’re having a meeting of the financial committee, which more than likely consists of one Nerd and one Free Spirit, you need a good place to start. Both of you will need to contribute something in terms of content for the meeting, but it’s the Nerd’s job to start things off with a budget. Nerds, while you’re drafting your budget, you will start to feel as if it’s your baby and you need to protect it from the Free Spirit. Don’t let this happen – think of it as a budget proposal, but make sure you have enough details for a good start.

2. Speaking Up: The Free Spirit & Feedback

Free Spirits, the fact that the Nerd is compiling the budget proposal doesn’t mean you can come to the meeting unprepared. You don’t need to come up with your own counter-budget, but you do need to think about the situation so you’ll have some points to make during the meeting. Consider what you need to spend money on and how much you might need. This will help you engage in the budget discussion – and remember, the more invested you are in the budget, the more likely the Nerd is to pay attention to what you’re saying.

3. Listening & Making Concessions

It’s important for both of you to listen. While the Nerd isn’t literally saying something about the budget, he or she has expressed a detailed opinion through the budget itself. Free Spirits, it helps if you respect the work that’s been done already by reading the budget before you voice your own opinions. Nerds, that means you stay quiet and listen once the Free Spirits start talking to you about the budget. Once you’ve both had your say, you can talk about making concessions to the budget just as any committee would. The budget isn’t the sole property of the Nerd, it’s a collaborative effort to agree on money distribution and values.

4. Agreeing on Finances & Values

With your concessions made, you can now agree on the budget and put it into action. This will give you a strong foundation on which to start your marriage, proving that you’ve agreed on the values that govern everyday life. It’s a great way to prevent the financial fights that destroy so many marriages, so take the time to invest in your life together by agreeing on a budget.

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education where recently she’s been researching the highest paying associates degrees versus the lowest paying associates degrees. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

So how do we prevent money from causing a divorce?  Here are five practical tips:

1.  Set goals as a couple

Decide what you hope to accomplish in your lives personally, physically, professionally, spiritually, and financially.  This will help you understand how you want to prioritize the use of your money.  Maybe it is your goal for your wife to be able to be a stay at home mom, but you need her salary due to school loans.  In that case, you may want to make it a priority to pay extra each month to reducing those loans and eliminating them as fast as possible.

2.  Communicate about what your finances look like

I particularly like using the Monthly Income and Expense Sheet as well as the Monthly Income Allocation worksheets that Crown Financial Ministries has to see where my money needs to go each month and which paycheck is going to be spent to cover those expenditures.  This helps you have a clear plan.

3. Be honest

If you are afraid of losing your job, be honest with your spouse.  If you worry about debt, be honest with your spouse.  Do not hide debt, expenditures, etc. from your spouse.  This will only serve to create a wall between you.  One little thing will lead to another and so on until you have a mountain between you and are in divorce court, so purpose to be honest in ALL things!

4.  Be on the same page spiritually

If you are not on the same page spiritually, work together to understand where each spouse is and how you can walk together.  I see so many times where the wife wants to tithe and the husband does not or vice versa.  This begins to create a wedge in their marriage, and while it is technically a financial disagreement, it is caused by not being on the same page spiritually.  Do not be afraid to talk through issues like this and study the Scriptures together.  God is big enough to handle our questions!

5.  Seek counsel before it gets bad

If you are struggling in your finances as a couple, do not hesitate to seek counsel.  I have worked with many pastors, community leaders, owners of huge companies…people you would not expect to have “financial issues” but we all need help with our finances at times.  Ask for counsel for Proverbs 11:14 tells us “Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.”

I pray that the Father blesses your marriage with strength and a long time together as you seek Him first together!
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My parents were running low on money that Christmas season and did not have any money for presents.  They decided to start delivering newspapers from October until shortly before Christmas to earn money to buy us presents.  They would get up around 1 am, carry me and my brother into the car, go get and sort the daily paper and start delivering them.  We would get home around 5 am and my dad would sleep for 2 hours before waking up for his day job.

Until having children of my own, I don’t think I appreciated what they did enough.  They did not wait for someone to give them money or for a Christmas miracle; they sacrificed sleep to ensure that we would have a Merry Christmas that year.

I cannot remember one present I received that year but will always remember the gift that my mom and dad gave me.  I feel lessons like this have led me to become the man I am today.  Thanks mom and dad – Merry Christmas!

Photo by DRB62.