A pre-nuptial agreement (prenup) is a contract that is written before marriage detailing the division of property and other provisions in the event of a divorce. This would be similar to a business or pre-employment contract with clauses that deal with dissolution or termination. Both outline the specifics in the event the parties involve separate.
We see agreements throughout the Bible in the form of covenants, treaties, and decrees. One such decree was signed by King Darius which led to the events commonly referred to as Daniel and the Lions Den:
All the governors of the kingdom, the administrators and satraps, the counselors and advisors, have consulted together to establish a royal statute and to make a firm decree, that whoever petitions any god or man for thirty days, except you, O king, shall be cast into the den of lions. Now, O king, establish the decree and sign the writing, so that it cannot be changed, according to the law of the Medes and Persians, which does not alter.” Daniel 6:7-8
The Bible also says with all thy getting get understanding, so the act of drafting and signing ordinary contracts is supported. However, the pre-nuptial agreement is a different animal. A prenup, by design, is a contract enforced if the preceding covenant is broken. This proceeding covenant being that of marriage which is made before God.
Contract vs covenant
On the surface, contracts and covenants may seem the same. Sometimes the words are used interchangeably. However, closer inspection reveals that while both involve at least two parties entering into some sort of agreement, the covenant involves God.
The sacred vows are usually something like for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. A prenup does not compliment this model. It places conditions on what was meant to be unconditional.
Common reasons for getting a prenup include:
- A huge difference in wealth between partners
- One earns more than the other
- One partner has high debt
The problem is these all place emphasis on material things. While logically it may make sense to want to protect your assets, the Christian marriage should strive to be an example of Christ’s love for us.
Have you not read that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Matthew 19:4-6)
When two become one, it is no longer “my assets” and “your assets” but “our assets”.
Statistically, the divorce rate is around 50%. This increases in cases of re-marriage or blended families. It is no wonder there is often a desire to protect your assets before marriage. However doing so shifts trust away from God and into your own hands.
God’s design for marriage is 100% unity and commitment. If there is any insecurity, it’s time for a heart check:
- Is it is lack of trust in God or my partner?
- I’m I still hurting from a bitter breakup and I don’t want to go through that again?
- I’m I overprotective of material possessions?
Dave Ramsey used to be 100% against prenups, however he notes there are rare instances when they are necessary. He says:
If you don’t have over $3 million, you don’t need a prenup. If you’re worried about who gets the china cabinet, then give them the china cabinet…
You need to be able to combine your life with someone that you marry. The only reason I back off the pre-nuptial agreement deal at the higher dollar amount is that they tend to attract fruit loops from within their family who appear when some money shows up.
It should be noted that no where does the Bible state that a prenup is a sin. Nor is it an indicator that two individuals do not love one another. However, it is not the best representation of God’s plan for marriage and the unity of two including their money.
What do you think? Are Prenups OK for Christians? Are they a way to protect your financial interests or a bad idea?
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I would never personally do a pre-nup, just simply because when I married, it was for life -for better or for worse. I would put a caveat on there also, however, that you should be extremely careful about who you marry – and only marry someone who is equally yoked. To me having a pre-nup means your going into a relationship expecting it to fail, or being untrusting of your future spouse.
.-= Peter´s last blog ..How To Deal With Your Creditors. David Style! =-.
I agree with Peter in that I would never do it either. As he pointed out, you must be extremely careful about whom you marry. You must approach it as a lifelong decision because that’s what it is. Too many people rush into dating, engagement, and marriage without building a proper foundation in their relationship. My wife and I spend many hours discussing premarital counseling questions even before we were engaged. Then during engagement, we had six sessions of premarital counseling guided by an older Christian couple (which happened to be the minister and his wife – it doesn’t have to be).
If you’re afraid to get married without a prenup, you need to ask yourself how attached you are to your material things and how well you really know your spouse.
.-= Paul Williams´s last blog ..Is Being Frugal a Waste of Time? =-.
This is still a personal choice and if you as me My answer is NO. We had resolved that issue while dating No prenups for us.You also brought out great heart check questions and those might be the root causes.
“Is it is lack of trust in God or my partner?
I’m I still hurting from a bitter breakup and I don’t want to go through that again?
I’m I overprotective of material possessions?”
.-= Joseph | Kick debt off´s last blog ..Health Insurance For Kids =-.
@Peter & Paul:
So true! Must use extreme caution about who we marry!
@Joseph:
I also agree that it is a personal choice. Is it one that came up in your pre-marital counseling?
Personally, I’m not in favor of prenups even if you’re a Christian rock star with lot’s of resources and cash. Marriage is a blessing and gift from God. Getting to the point of marriage requires prayer, faith and patience. And when you meet the person who you think you will marry, Christian counseling, classes, etc. are so helpful in surfacing challenging areas that should be discussed prior to marrying the other person. Marriage should be a Godly walk. Lakita, I agree completely marriage is 100% unity and commitment. Thanks for another great post!
I agree with the above comments. Getting a pre-nup is planning for failure. If you think the marriage is going to fail, why in the world are you getting married?
.-= Derek Clark´s last blog ..Blueprint For How To Make Money With A Blog – Review =-.
Can I be the devils advocate?
Why did Moses even offer a certificate of divorce? Jesus says because of the hardness of people’s heart.
Wouldn’t such a certificate be even more dangerous than a prenup? Yet, God makes an allowance for a certificate of divorce.
Basically a certificate of divorce makes breakups cleaner. So does a prenuptial.
I cannot imagine a situation where a couple is having a serious marriage issue and one partner saying, “if I had a prenup I’d walk always, but since I don’t I’m gonna stick it out.”
I’m thinking about older couples who have grown children. I would hate to spend my life building an inheritance for my kids, but then I die. My wife remarries and everything we build together is now going to be split between my children and the new partners children. In that case, I think the honorable thing to do would be to sign a prenup to keep the original families assets protected from combining them with the new union.
I’m not sure that a will would allow my wife to leave my kids a large sum of money unless there was a prenuptial agreement. Anyone know?
.-= Craig Ford´s last blog ..Best Personal Finance Software 2010 =-.
Craig, I’m not a lawyer, but I think trusts would be a better way to handle the situation you’re describing. Revocable trusts can allow you to handle the assets basically as you would normally handle them, but they come attached with rules as to what happens after your death. The assets could immediately go to your children, or you could supply a specific income to your wife until she dies and then the assets go to your own children. They’re quite flexible and would fit your scenario without requiring an “allowance” on God’s part. I think Jesus made it clear in that passage that divorce is not desirable. I don’t think marriage should be approached as a business contract.
.-= Paul Williams´s last blog ..Is Being Frugal a Waste of Time? =-.
I am being asked to sign one for maybe the 7th time. Each time he changed his mind and said he didn’t need it because he trusted me. He knew from day one I was against them as a Christian. Now, weeks before our wedding, dress bought, engagment ring on, halls, inns, pastor – all reserved — he drops the bomb on me again because we got into a fight and called the whole engagement off and told me his house is no longer mine and my son’s house too, etc. (After months of telling me he’s upset if I don’t call it ‘home’ so I did!) He dropped us like a hot potato after one fight (which was about him not trusting me regarding money). The irony was that he asked what i wanted to do with the money I had (less than what he had) and I said I believe all money should go towards kids college funds and retirement and then any extra should be for fun stuff. He accused me of wanting to “hide” money and just “label” it college and retirement! It was so crazy and so mistrusting. He said I was putting too much aside for my son whom he seems to be often jealous of. So he called everything off – said it was over. I begged him to be committed to me and that it was just a fight and that’s ok but now he’s saying he’s breaking his word AGAIN (I lost count how many times) and that he wants a prenup and that I have no “right” to half his money! It’s crazy! I never had any bad intentions. I always strive to be a good and honest girl and a Proverbs 31 woman before God. PLEASE HELP! I so desperately need advice. I feel like I’m crazy. He’s broken his word so many times before and now just weeks before the wedding. I feel I have to sign under duress. My son’s bedroom furniture is already in his house! He doesn’t seem to care about me or my son’s feelings! He has devastated us! Do I just sign or is this an indication of a lying man who justifies breaking his word on every whim. I am hurting so badly. I really feel misled. Please help.
LD, I couldn’t agree with Lakita more. A few things come to mind as Lakita mentioned: It seems there is more going on here than money issues. There seems to be some trust related challenges that must be addressed before you get married. Definitely seek Christian marital counseling before making the huge decision in getting married. Please know that getting married doesn’t solve any such issues. Marriage is wonderful, but it takes a lot of work. Both spouses have to love and trust one another and most importantly keep God at the center of their relationship. Only then can a marriage be successful.
LD,
Sounds like a very troubling situation. Let me start off by saying, I am not a relationship specialist, so you can take this free advice for what its worth.
Have the 2 of you had any pre-marital counseling? It seems like there are trust issues that need to be worked out before saying “I DO”
Is your fiance’ a Christian? You mention you were, but never that he was. The Bible says not to be yoked together with unbelievers.
Do not do anything under force, coercion, duress, control or manipulation…you’ll only regret it later.
My suggestion is to pray and ask the Lord for understanding according to HIS word:
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)
He may reveal the root of the distrust:
- perhaps there are old wounds from previous relationships where he’s been “burned”
- perhaps its a love for material things
Whatever the issue, it needs to be resolved.
Again, I’ll encourage you to pray and seek professional pre-marriage counseling. Aside from the money issues, it sounds like more time needs to be spent addressing the relationship between him and your son. Don’t be afraid to postpone if you all need more time to build a solid foundation.
Luke 6 46-48 says:
“But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say? 47 Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like: 48 He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock.[h] 49 But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell.[i] And the ruin of that house was great.”
I pray you can resolve the matter, however, if it is God’s will for you to move on, I pray you’ll have the strength to do so.
wow. that guy sounds like a jerk that you should be leaving, not the other way around. be thankful you found out before the marriage instead of after and get out while you still can.
.-= Derek Clark´s last blog ..Nashville Flood, How You Can Help =-.
Even without a Prenuptial agreement this sounds like an abusive relationship. Some things we don’t even have to pray about because it is clear that this man’s primary concern is with HIMSELF. anytime someone is making you feel devastated, does not keep his word, uses threats, manipulation and intimidation to get his way or is controlling in any other way, is jealous of your child and makes accusations, is not someone you need to ask God about staying with. if he is this way before the wedding, he will do even more afterwards. GET OUT NOW!
First, I believe the woman (LD) above has a bad situation and should not marry that guy.
However, I am for prenups if things aren’t equal coming into the marriage. It isn’t that I don’t trust my partner but unfortunately people change.
I don’t see how it is exactly fair to me if I get married, 5 years later my wife becomes addicted to cocaine or cheats on me multiple times and then she walks with half of my money.
Besides, anyone that is going to actually go through the whole marriage process without being fully committed is messed up to begin with. Prenup or not
This is a tricky subject, but I’m going to have to say yes to a prenup if one of the following is true:
1. You or your relatives have businesses.
2. You have earned a substantially higher networth over the years before marriage (or before dating and moving in for that matter.)
A prenup isn’t saying your relationship will fail, think of it like insurance. If you came into wealth and worked hard for it, what right does the SO have to be entitled half or more? Trust can be broken, it’s not a wise idea to be so naive at the sugar-coated idea of marriage we have been told to believe.
Thanks to the laws of today’s feminized culture, marriage is more of a financial risk to a male than it is to a female. Think about it, you spent years upon years earning a living for yourself and making you a very eligible bachelor(ette), or have inherited the family company. You get married, and years down the road it doesn’t work out. Your EX can be rewarded half or more based on allegations of “accustomed living” regardless if they held a job or not. They could contribute little to the relationship and still make out like bandits. Worse yet, the one being taken to the cleaners will still be responsible for taking on the ex’s debts too (debts before marriage).
Not trying to be negative about marriage, but lawyers and our court system have made it unbearable when it comes to a divorce. Personally, I think a prenup should be part of the marriage contract. What you bring in to it you leave with. What you accumulate during the marriage should be split.
David,
You bring up some interesting points. Especially the family business..I see how that could get sticky.
But I don’t agree with this statement:
Thanks to the laws of today’s feminized culture, marriage is more of a financial risk to a male than it is to a female.
********************
It’s been statistically proven that the percentage of women earning greater than or equal to their husbands has quadrupled from 1970 until now. So while that may have been true 30 years ago…chances are it isn’t the case today.
the percentage of women whose income has outpaced their husband’s has more than quadrupled, jumping from just 4 percent in 1970 to 22 percent now
.-= Lakita (PFJourney)´s last blog ..Don’t Finance a Vehicle without GAP Insurance =-.
While there are more working wives out there, it’s still small compared to the majority of women that earn far less.
I wanted to clarify that it’s more of a burden on a male if the wife doesn’t work, brings in debts, children, and eventually divorced on top of all of that. Women too who have wealth are strongly encouraged to have the groom sign a prenup to protect herself and her investments.
It’s at the point when a step-dad is forced to pay child support in some states and Canada, even if the ex wife still gets CS from the biological father. A Step parent asking for a prenup already sounds absurd, but here we are today.
What it boils down to is a severe lack of trust thanks to the scenarios that play out. As humans we learn by example. Trust is something earned and maintained, and when you experience trust being broken it gets harder and harder to regain trust in anyone. Lack of trust brings out fear, and fear is something that can harm relationships.
Hi, I want to thank all of you for your input. Here is where I am struggling the most. To answer your questions about him being a Christian – no, he now does not profess to be however, he did for a while when I made it know it was important to me and he was going to church with me. Around the time of dropping the bomb on the prenup the final time he also said he no longer wanted to go to church. He’s very type A and does not want to ‘submit’ to anyone – even God. Now, I must add…I had backslidden in my walk due to my ex-husband who was a Christian and left me. I was so devastated and turned my back on God (so wrong for me to do). When I met this new man, I slept with him and he said we’d be married that weekend – which turned out to be false, of course. I knew I was walking the fence. I didn’t feel right and the more our relationship progressed, the more I found my way back to God and his ways because I cannot deny the truth in God’s word. But here is where I am torn – because I slept with this man, aren’t I already married to him in God’s eyes? This is what makes me want to sign this prenup if I can find a wording I am comfortable with. No, he is not a full believer right now but aren’t I already married to him? I tell you, being apart from him feels just like divorce!! Even though we have not had a ‘legal’ ceremony, doesn’t God consider us married and therefore should I not submit to his wishes for a prenup as my husband before God? It makes me cringe to think of starting over with someone new and sharing that sacred bond with another person. He was to be my last. I know I must sound so confused and that is because I am. I TRULY want to do what GOD wants me to do and I am not sure what that is? Is this man already my husband in God’s eyes because he has “known” me in the biblical sense? I APPRECIATE SOOO much everyone’s help. If so, then I will submit to him and sign it and do whatever it takes to keep my committment. Thank you again for helping me! It’s so hard to find a Christian counselor where I live.
Oh, and yes, to answer your question..he has a business that he wants to ‘protect’ and had to fight hard to keep during his divorce and doesn’t want to go through that again. He says his business is his identity and he doesn’t want to share that with anyone.
FYI to all: I’ve emailed LD and we’ve been discussing this situation through email. Some information LD would rather not publicize.
Without going into many personal details I would definately say yes to a prenup. In my earlier years I was idealistic to believe that both parties would want to do what is right and to choose serving God as their number 1 priority. Not true. It is true that it takes two people to make a marriage work but it only takes one to end it. Prenup in no way contradict any of the Bible vows but are for legal protection for a secular world that allows adultery, alcholism, and drug abuse and calls it “no-fault”. Especially when there are children from a prior marriage their assets need to be protected. If a person is highly opposed to a reasonable prenup it is a good time to question their motives. The behaviors of the person that you may end up divorsing are not necessarily the same behaviors that caused you to desire to marry them in the first place.
Carol@inthetrenches recently posted..Living on One Income- How to Make it Work
I’m so sorry for LD but I won’t voice out my opinion on her situation. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic that’s why I believe in the sugar-coated idea of marriage. When I made my vows I took it sincerely. I firmly believe that I would stick by this marriage for whatever it takes. I’m from a broken family too that’s why I want to work things out for the benefit of my kid. I don’t want them to ask himself of possibilities of a better life if my husband and I are still together. If I sign for a pre-nup I will have a very good reason not to work out things because I can run away with my money whole anyway. Well I guess my choosing of a suitable partner made a great advantage too.
I think the if you start considering setting up a pre-nuptial agreement that’s the moment you should re-consider getting Married.
I was 21 years old when I signed one due to an ultimatum. If I didn’t sign, he would call off the wedding. I signed it two weeks prior to marriage. The attorney that translated this prenuptial agreement to me told me that it was an ‘iron clad’ prenuptial agreement and he had never seen on so strong and so…. Limiting. He warned me that if I quit school, I’d be foolish. My husband is 7 years older than me and is a wealthy individual. He owned two homes, multiple sports cars and over a million dollars to his name- which is what he is ultimately protecting. His reason to me for the prenuptial agreement is for liability reasons. He explained to me that if he were sued through his business, houses and cash could not me touched if he put those things in my name. What I’ve realized is that NOTHING is legally mine unless it is formally written and submitted to the attorney with the prenup. Over the past 3 years that I have been married, I have blown holes through all the reasons that I was given for the prenup. The truth is that the prenup want to protect us from outsiders lawsuits but to protect his assets from me. This became more apparent when he began to threaten me with divorce when he wanted things his way. Just two months after marriage, he told me that he didn’t know if he loved me. On our one year anniversary he told me that he wished he hadn’t married me. He refused to touch me unless he wanted sex after which he’d roll off me and go about his day. He cringed at every effort of affection from me. It was easy for him to flirt with every girl but me- worst of all he did it infront of me. He loved to tell his friend’s wives ad girlfriends how beautiful they were but never could tell me. He took his friends to sports games and always left me at home. His parents made phone calls to me after he had complained to him about how terrible I am for causing arguments about needing affection. They blamed me for the threats of divorce and said they supported his decision to divorce me. They were the Christians that brought me to the Lord and they are the same people that made me turn and run from Him… I was shattered.
I came from a broken home and There was not a single person that I could count on .. I thought God gave me my husband and that i could count on him….
I turned away from God because I was emotionally beat down. I had two affairs. One physical and one emotional. I feel terrible and I regret that I fell victim to lies. The way my husband treated me didnt MAKE me cheat but it definitely cut me down to size… And i fell.
I can’t help but think that the prenup had alot to do with the way our marriage turned out. I can’t help but wonder if the divorce threats happened because of the prenup…
Also, after by husband learned of my affairs- he is still here. He has apologized immensely for the way he treated me. He repeatedly tells me that if he were going to exercise the prenup, he would have done it already when he learned of my affairs (2 weeks ago) he still holds strong to keeping the prenup in place.
I’m don’t know what to think.
MiaC, thank you for sharing your story. I recommend for you as well as others having difficulties in their marriage to seek help from a Christian marriage counselor. Working with such a counselor will help you approach these challenges using the truth of God’s principles. They bring peace, comfort and the wisdom we all need in life.
I also recommend Focus on the Family. You can visit their website at http://www.focusonthefamily.org.
Also, since this post has been open for a while, I’m going to close comments. I think we have discussed the original intent of the post which is whether or not a Christian should have a prenuptual agreement. I’d rather the comments section not be a place to work through marital challenges. While, I am compassionate about such challenges and want to help, I think it’s much better to seek guidance from a Christian marriage counselor who can provide expertise and wisdom in this area.