I pray that my wife and I will arrive at a level of peace and accountability in marriage and finances.  We’ve been blessed with good jobs, a home that’s paid for, and living debt free, yet, for our 13 years of marriage, my wife still insists on keeping separate financial accounts with me paying for most of our home repairs, groceries, etc.  I vote for a joint account and financial dialog for the betterment of our marriage and family but she won’t have it. Her financial history may have been leaner than mine. Regardless of the fact that she’s making much more than I, how can I convince her of the importance of our financial union?

Here’s a little more information shared by the reader via a follow up email:

Has there been past credit card or money mismanagement/trust issues?

We have our history and have been debt free for over 3 years. She is a better money manager than I, for which I have thanked her. We tried a joint account but laid no ground rules and have always been plagued with communication difficulties. Surely this is one of the pillars against our blended finances. She paid more on our old home mortgage and feels entitled to my paying for most everything today. She also has the belief that I should “be the guy” and pay for more than she. I’m okay with dumping in an equal bulk of our incomes for family and household matters, leaving individual remaining amounts for our personal use. We need more dialog and a plan for our finances as we don’t talk about anything and have a couple big expenses coming (AC, further remodeling)

Was her mind made up/set her ways going into the marriage?

She’s developed some strong coping/defense mechanisms and is very independent/self sufficient. I’ve not been able to penetrate a few of these defenses regardless of tact and remain prayerful.

Has she ever had prior spending issues?

I believe she’s always been good with her $$. She used to draw a pretty good income and enjoyed expense accounts and living “above her class”. Sometimes this comes out today. I encourage her to dream, as well as accept the reality of what we have currently. She is a tough brick wall on a few issues and emotions.

Here are a some of my thoughts on this matter:

First, let me say this is not an uncommon situation.  There are many people who are married, share their entire lives with their spouse, but keep their finances separate.  I suppose there could be a number of reasons for this.

Trust and communication issues could be deeply rooted in the marriage.  Some may not know or follow God’s word on such matters.  Still, there are those who say they just like to manage money separately because it’s their preference.

Biblical viewpoint on marriage

But, why should financial separateness in marriage exist?  From a Biblical standpoint we know that God says marriage is two becoming one.  The finances shouldn’t be an exception.

Have you not read that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.   (Matthew 19:4-6)

I fully recognize this Biblical principle may still be difficult for Christians if there are trust or communication issues in the marriage.  Such issues could be the result of spending problems or past financial mistakes.

Here are a few ideas to consider:

Growing in your marriage and with God

I would let her know that there is no other reason to manage money together other than to become closer in our relationship and to be pleasing to God by following his principles.  Managing money together is yet another opportunity to grow the relationship, overcome obstacles and serve as financial stewards of God’s resources together. 

Financial stewardship

Stewardship leads me to the second point I would mention.  Money doesn’t belong to us.  It doesn’t belong to my wife or me.  It belongs to God.  God has entrusted money into our care to manage for him. 

So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful (1 Corinthians 4: 1-2).

Personally, I wouldn’t want to manage money without my spouse.  Women are wise in many ways men are not.  As an example, they typically are better with discernment on matters and especially money obstacles.   I believe both husband and spouse can manage money better together. 

Seek counsel

Finally, if my wife understands and agrees with the Biblical principles and is still having a problem in managing our finances together, I would assume there is an issue either caused by past actions in our relationship or prior to our marriage.  In either case, it may be best to seek counsel to overcome such obstacles.  If there is good communication in the marriage the issue can be openly discussed and perhaps put to rest.  However, if communication is lacking, the help of a Christian counselor may be necessary.

If this is the case, I would ask my wife to go and speak with our pastor, or church elder to receive counsel on the subject.  As an aside, counseling can be a positive experience.  Getting counsel from other Christians can only help a relationship grow stronger. 

What advice or ideas do you have for this reader?