I feel that my family’s financial success is due in large part to how Tracy (my wife) and I work together as a team. We set goals for our family and strive to achieve them with each other’s support. It is extremely important for a husband and wife to be on the same page with their finances. Here are a few more statistics that demonstrate this:
According to a survey by ForbesWoman and the National Endowment for Financial Education, 31 % of people lied to their spouses about money, 67% argued over money lies and 16% of these money lies led to divorce.

A Utah State study showed that a couple with $10,000 in debt and no savings is about twice as likely to divorce as a couple with $10,000 in savings and no credit card debt.

A study done by Citibank found that 57% of divorced couples said money fights were the primary reason they did not get along.

I know how crazy and hectic life can be sometimes.  Between kids, work, staying on top of our bills and everything else going on in our lives Tracy and I are pretty busy—as are most folks. I couldn’t imagine adding money troubles/arguments to the equation. I see why financial problems can lead to divorce; for many these problems are the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Even though I’m the numbers person in my marriage, my family would not be in good financial shape without Tracy.

In most relationships, one person is more of the “saver” and the other the “spender.”  There is nothing wrong with this; in fact, I think this can be a good thing.  In our marriage, Tracy was the spender and I was the saver.  Over time, we both have been influenced by each other and Tracy is now more of a saver and I do not worry as much about saving money.  Don’t get me wrong, I will probably never be a free-spender but I do not fret as much over spending money as I did in the past.  I know we have an emergency fund in place for a reason and do not mind when we have to use it for something important.

If one partner is constantly spending every dollar that comes in whereas the other partner feels it is important to save and have some financial security, there is going to be trouble down the road.  It is so important to work alongside your spouse when making money decisions.  Accomplishing financial goals as a team strengthens your marriage way beyond the numbers a bank account can depict.

Even though the nerd is doing all of these things, there is still another money manager in the family.  It’s the nerd’s spouse.  Now the spouse might not be as involved in day to day management.  In many cases the spouse doesn’t have knowledge of how much money is in the bank account.  Perhaps the spouse just knows how much he or she can spend on entertainment or clothes for the month and maybe a few other budget categories.

But, this is a dangerous approach to family finances.  What if something happened to the family CFO?  Would the spouse know how to step in and manage everything?  And we are all considered financial stewards in God’s eyes.  So, both spouses are responsible for managing resources that have been entrusted to their care by God.  If one spouse isn’t involved, how can he or she be managing God’s resources wisely?

The answer lies in a few ideas to get the cool person, not the nerd or family CFO, involved in the family finances.  The spouse doesn’t have to necessarily be involved in the day to day finances at the level of detail as the nerd, but should have knowledge of the resources and how they’re being used.  So, if you are the nerd, consider these tips to get your spouse more involved in the management of family finances.  He or she will appreciate it if done for the solid reasons I just mentioned.

1. Budget together every month

One of the most important things spouses can do together is budget their money together each month.  Even though you have fixed spending in place, there are still planning decisions to be made each month for discretionary spending.

2. Provide a weekly status report

While the monthly meeting is important, so is a weekly meeting about money.  All this requires is a review of spending for the major budget categories and a discussion around any new significant expenses required for the month.  I like to think of it as a status meeting.  If you want to take it to the next step, you can write down the balances of the major budget categories for your spouse so he or she knows the overall state of the spending plan.

3. Let your spouse tithe

One spouse may often pay the bills, tithe online, or even write out a check for tithing.  Let the other spouse do this important task.  Then, either give together online or take your check to church.  I can’t stress enough the important of both spouses being involved in prayerful giving each month.

4. Let your spouse pay some of the bills

So along the same lines as above, perhaps your spouse can pay some of the monthly bills.  Don’t overload the person who doesn’t normally do this work for the family, but giving them a few key bills to manage is a great way to involve the person and for them to fulfill being a good financial steward.

5. Take turns budgeting

Along with paying bills, this is another great way.  Let your spouse perform the management of an entire budget area.  For example, my wife is in charge of clothing for the children, she often buys the gifts for birthday parties and for other miscellaneous needs.  She is responsible for knowing how much money has been allocated to those areas and for managing within those sub budgets or categories.

6. Provide visibility to your personal finance software

Turn over a copy of the keys to full viewing and access to the personal finance software.  The spouse should be able to log into the account, find the budget and review spending against the budget categories.  Looking a checking account balance is not nearly as helpful or as important as being able to know the budget balance by category.

7. Seek your spouse’s input

Finally, a great way to involve your spouse is to ask them questions and seek their input about financial decisions.  You’re in dangerous territory if you’re managing the money on an island by yourself without financial counsel or advice from your spouse.  If you’re a male, don’t make this mistake.  Women have a great sense of intuition and often gifted with discernment.  These are important qualities and characteristics you need on your family money management team.

What ideas do you have to involve your spouse in the management of family finances?

I previously published this post at ChristianPF.com.

• Will you stay home with the baby or continue working?
• How do we pay off remaining debt so that we can afford additional expenses?
• Should we begin investing in our child’s future education (even before he or she is born)?
• What does it cost to have a baby?

With all those questions bouncing around in our heads and popping up over dinner conversations, our desire to find the answers seemed to well, just help us to really focus more on our financial stewardship.

In hindsight, it’s too bad it takes such big events (good or bad) to cause a more positive shift in one’s focus.  But yet, the motivation for financial responsibility somehow emerges whether it’s from within or after seeking some help from a friend or counselor.

Leave An Inheritance

Certainly, as parents the wrong attitude would be to spend all we have in order to enjoy it before we die.  A component of stewardship, and getting serious about finances, is managing money wisely so that we can invest in the future of our children.

A good man leave’s an inheritance to his children’s children (Proverbs 13:22).

In fact, I believe it’s Dave Ramsey who often mentions in his teachings that getting your financial situation under control is an opportunity to change your family tree!  Let’s dissect that for a moment.

Your Actions Today Can Change Your Family History

Have you ever thought about how your actions today can change your family history?  Let me be more direct.  The mismanagement of money could impact some of the financial struggles your child may face in the future.

I assume most people were not brought up under sound money management instruction and guidance within the family.  Unfortunately, education within our school systems and even in our immediate family was and is in many cases, still absent.

As an aside, I think every child should go through two courses at the appropriate age:  1) Biblical financial principles; 2) Practical steps and tools for managing money.

Today is an opportunity to change the future financial situation for your children and their children.  By leaving an inheritance, they have an opportunity to start their lives in a more financially stable position.

Get To The Wealth Building Stage ASAP

So as financial stewards husband and wife should try to get to the wealth building stage so they can create further financial stability and inheritance for children when they become adults.

For me, that sums it up right there.  Why tinker around with accumulating debt, paying off debt, accumulating debt, paying off debt, etc.  It’s spinning your wheels.

Rather, we should make forward progress and get to the wealth building stage of our destinations so that our family tree can be changed forever.  This includes becoming debt free and funding an emergency savings plan so that retirement investing can be started and finally, the savings towards a child’s future.

Help Ensure Children Avoid College Debt

I think about debt when it comes to saving for children’s education.  My parents provided much of my college needs and I’m grateful for that.  I know they had to take on some debt to do it, but as loving parents they did everything they could to help position me to leave college with as little student loans as possible.

I want to extend that even further by providing debt free education for my children.  I want to pay for their college with cash so they can leave without us both owing anything!

Building Momentum For Your Children

So, in summary, instead of your children digging, scraping and clawing their way to getting out of debt and building an emergency fund, they could skip some of the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps or Money Map Destinations (by Crown Financial Ministries) and go right into wealth building.

That’s right, have you ever considered the importance of this?  For many of us, we’re working hard to take steps to move forward on our respective journeys.  There is certainly something to be said for hard work.

But, if I we can teach children about money andprinciples of financial stewardship, but also advance them (or start them) further on the Crown Money Map or Dave Ramsey Baby Step journey, we will have followed the principles from Proverbs 12:22.

Do you plan to leave your children an inheritance?  If so, what steps are you taking today to do so?

This is a post I originally published at BibleMoneyMatters.com.

So how do we prevent money from causing a divorce?  Here are five practical tips:

1.  Set goals as a couple

Decide what you hope to accomplish in your lives personally, physically, professionally, spiritually, and financially.  This will help you understand how you want to prioritize the use of your money.  Maybe it is your goal for your wife to be able to be a stay at home mom, but you need her salary due to school loans.  In that case, you may want to make it a priority to pay extra each month to reducing those loans and eliminating them as fast as possible.

2.  Communicate about what your finances look like

I particularly like using the Monthly Income and Expense Sheet as well as the Monthly Income Allocation worksheets that Crown Financial Ministries has to see where my money needs to go each month and which paycheck is going to be spent to cover those expenditures.  This helps you have a clear plan.

3. Be honest

If you are afraid of losing your job, be honest with your spouse.  If you worry about debt, be honest with your spouse.  Do not hide debt, expenditures, etc. from your spouse.  This will only serve to create a wall between you.  One little thing will lead to another and so on until you have a mountain between you and are in divorce court, so purpose to be honest in ALL things!

4.  Be on the same page spiritually

If you are not on the same page spiritually, work together to understand where each spouse is and how you can walk together.  I see so many times where the wife wants to tithe and the husband does not or vice versa.  This begins to create a wedge in their marriage, and while it is technically a financial disagreement, it is caused by not being on the same page spiritually.  Do not be afraid to talk through issues like this and study the Scriptures together.  God is big enough to handle our questions!

5.  Seek counsel before it gets bad

If you are struggling in your finances as a couple, do not hesitate to seek counsel.  I have worked with many pastors, community leaders, owners of huge companies…people you would not expect to have “financial issues” but we all need help with our finances at times.  Ask for counsel for Proverbs 11:14 tells us “Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.”

I pray that the Father blesses your marriage with strength and a long time together as you seek Him first together!
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Here are some guidelines to talk to your spouse about money:

Begin by choosing a neutral location such as the kitchen table.  Don’t pick a place that is one spouse’s territory.

Bring all of your financial information to your discussion time, so that you can both see the clear picture.  If you have never had a budget or spending plan before, now is the time to create one.  This will help you know what you’re spending each month and what you are spending it on.  Not only will you plan where your money goes versus it going where it wants, you’ll have the opportunity to agree upon your plan.  

Open in prayer.  When we make God the center of our lives, marriages, and finances, we are putting our focus in the right place, and it allows us to be better focused on Him and others not our selfish wants and desires.

Allow each spouse to share their concerns about the finances without condemning each other.  Look at the facts and distinguish them from the emotions without accusing.  Saying “We don’t have enough money this month for all our bills which makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable” states the problem and how it makes you feel without accusing.  Whereas if you say “you never provide for our family,” you have only served to start an argument.

Begin by prioritizing and setting goals.  Maybe you want to be able to save for the children’s education while your husband would like a boat.  Maybe you want to go back to college to further your education and career while your wife would like to pay off the house. Decide how you are going to work together for your family while still understanding each other’s goals and dreams.

Discuss who is going to handle the daily bill paying and balancing the checkbook.  The other spouse should be sure to keep receipts and other needed information in order to assist the spouse doing the bookkeeping, so spend some time discussing how this will be handled and what information needs to be kept.  At a minimum once a month, be sure to discuss the big picture and how the finances are coming along.

If you can’t discuss the finances calmly, seek help!  I would encourage you to contact Crown Financial Ministries and request a Money Map Coach who can be a neutral third party to help you learn how to manage your finances from a Biblical perspective.  You may also choose to seek personal or marital counseling if you find that finances are only the symptom of other issues.  Don’t allow things to escalate to the point of this 2006 headline “A minister’s wife charged with murdering her husband told police she shot him after they argued over family finances and then told him ”I’m sorry” as he lay dying in their bedroom.”  That is no way to solve financial issues in a marriage.

And finally pray and read the Scriptures on money.  One of my favorite books Free and Clear by Howard Dayton is a must read if you have never read it.  Or check out this brand new study on Creating a Spending Plan from Crown.  And remember whatever you do, as a couple you are now one, so you are in this together and communicate!

To recap, our entire wedding budget (excluding rings and honeymoon) was around $3,000.  This is 10-15% of the national average.  This was possible because of:

• Blessings from friends and families
• Shopping around
• Research
• Setting priorities

Beautification

Manicure, Pedicure, hair and makeup…I was expecting to spend around $200.  One of my shower gifts was a gift card to a local nail salon, so I only had to pay the difference of $30.  My God-mother did my makeup, and my stylist (who was more excited than I was…ok…not really)…blessed me with a free hairdo.

Cost:  $30

Lodging

With a handful of out of town guests, I didn’t want the pressure of trying to host everyone in at home.  So I opted to get a suite for the night before the wedding.  It gave me an opportunity to hang with friends and a meeting place for the bridal party on our wedding day.  I choose the Drury Inn and Suites because of its proximity to the church, free breakfast & internet and military discount.

Cost: $139

Transportation

This was a tough one!  I wanted a limo.  I almost convinced myself I needed a limo.  But when it came to the justification, I couldn’t justify nearly $600 for 5 hours….of which only 15 min (at best) would actually be spent in the limo.  The reception was immediately following the service and was less than 2 minutes away.

In spite of this logic, I was still wrestling with the limo in my head.  Then, Anthony came up with a brilliant alternative.  For 1/3 of the price, we could rent a full-size or premium vehicle and have it for the entire week.  This made perfect sense because we were driving to our honeymoon destination.

With my desire for a limo diminishing, I researched the top rental companies and found a great deal on a 10-day rental from Budget.  I couldn’t tell the difference between a Budget rental and one from Avis or Enterprise….can you?

Cost: $214

Reception Site

The reception is typically the majority of a wedding budget.  An alcohol free reception greatly decreases the cost off the bat.  We decided to host the reception in a community center that holds 250 people.  The rental fee was $300 for the entire day.  However, that does not include set up or tear down.  After going back and forth…we decided it would be worth the extra $150 to have them setup and teardown.  We didn’t want the hassle or recruiting volunteers or losing our security deposit if it was not cleaned properly.

Cost: $450

Food & Cake

Before creating our guest list, we decided that we were not going to do an “adult only” reception.  Sure it would have saved money.  But as financial guru Suze Orman says…people first, then money, then things.  We have both served our church in youth ministries and therefore the youth have a special place in our heart.  It would be out of our character to exclude them from our special day.

We briefly entertained the thought of hiring a caterer.  However, Anthony comes from a big family who rallied and prepared all of our food.  We met, created a menu and got it done.  They donated many of the ingredients and did all the cooking.  Except for the head and VIP tables, the food was served buffet style.

The cake was another “shop around” item.  Some places were reasonable but had high delivery and set up rates.  Others didn’t taste good at all.  We found a local bakery that is in close vicinity to the reception site.  At first, we order the smallest cake which feeds 120.  We upgraded to the next level when the RSVPs started to roll in.

We could have saved even more on the cake by getting a smaller wedding display cake and a sheet cake.  I let people talk me out of this.  However, I think the final price was reasonable.

Cost: $250 (cake) and $200 (partial payment for food) = $450

Other Misc Fees

- In St. Clair county, this is $32.
- Attendees gifts: $100 (The men got canes, the ladies got jewelry)
- Site & Officiate fees – We got married at my church by my pastor so there is no set fee, however we felt compelled to give a love offering.

Overall, we spent close to $3,000 for a guest list of 164 people.  We took 3 months to plan which may have helped or hindered our budget.  On the one hand, I believe a longer planning period would have lead to more expensive elaborate ideas.  Consequently, having time to research may have led to deals and sales.

Our costs significantly lower than the average, but let me be clear…this is not because I’m such a savvi shopper or frugal finder.  While I actively sought out reasonable prices, the majority of our savings came from the blessings poured out by our friends and family.

What about you?  Are you planning a frugal wedding or have you in the past?  Share your tips and stories in the comments below!

Excluding rings and honeymoon, our budget topped right around $3,000 for a guest list of 165.  That is around 10-15% of the national average for weddings.  Not bad!

How did we do it?

• Research
• Do it yourself
• Blessings from friends and families
• Prioritize

Here is a breakdown of what we did and what we learned along the way

The Dress & Tuxedo

I was blessed beyond measure to be given a dress!  This came as a total surprise to me and was not only just what I envisioned, but it was just my size.  The only expense came from the cleaners and tightening some of the beads.

Also, while searching for shoes, I remembered I bought a pair of white J. Renee’s a few years ago and only wore them a couple times.  The designs on the shoes matched the dress!  So no need to buy shoes.

Anthony received a free tux rental from Saavi Formalwear because we had more than 5 groomsmen renting tuxes in our party.

Lesson learned:  We discovered after the fact, that for the same cost of renting, they could have purchased tuxedos from David’s Bridal.  I’m not sure about the quality, but it would have been nice to own.

Cost:  $165 for dress cleaning and alternations

Photo & Video

Another major blessing was my photographer!  Since 2007 I’ve been working with Charles Heard Photography on all of my conferences.  I always knew whenever I got married that I would hire him as the photographer.  Well, he blessed us by waiving the hourly rate to shoot the stills, wedding and reception.  Pictures are displayed in the online album and we can order them later at our convenience.  We want to be as much of a blessing to him as he has been to us…and the pictures are great so we plan on ordering all of them.  But that cost does not have to be factored into our wedding budget.

Cost: $0

Invitations & Programs

Invitations were an area I couldn’t justify excessive spending.  Aside from our parents….who really keeps invitations?  I have a friend who is good at desktop publishing.  She was going to do the invitations for me with beautiful overlay paper and ribbons, but another emergency prevented her from doing so.  In a time crunch…I implemented another plan.  A friend sent me the template she used.  Anthony & I set up a photo shoot, I edited the template and she printed and sealed for me.  It turned out to be a blessing because it compelled us to put our picture on the invitation.  Something our family really enjoyed!

Here is a screenshot of our invite:

We opted not to use the reply cards.  Instead, we set up a wedding RSVP voice mailbox (using Google voice).  This meant less paper to ship, less ink to print, and an easier way to track invites.  The programs were 1 sheet / 4-pages, done on high quality paper, color ink and a purple ribbon.

Cost:  $250 for paper & ink

Decorations & Flowers

I knew from the time Anthony proposed that I wanted to get married under a chuppah.  It is a Jewish tradition that I wanted to incorporate because of its spiritual significance.

In a spiritual sense, the covering of the chuppah represents the presence of God over the covenant of marriage. The chuppah is erected to signify that the ceremony and institution of marriage has divine origins.

What I didn’t realize is how expensive they can be!  A chuppah can be as simple as 4 poles with a cloth draped over the top held up by your attendees or an elaborate ornate design with floral arrangements and drapery.  I envisioned something closer to the latter.

I contacted one of my worship arts friends who ministers with flags, props and pageantry.  She agreed to build the chuppah to my specifications for the reasonable price of $150.  We agreed that after the wedding we would rent or sell the chuppah in an effort to offset her additional investment.

I met with one decorator for a consulting, and I felt her price was too high.  Especially since it did not include the materials or flowers.  This is when shopping around comes in handy!  I contacted a friend and asked who did her wedding decorations.  She gave me the name of a independent business owner .  I still had to buy my own materials, but she didn’t have a high labor fee.  This woman had an eye for deals!   We were able to get everything (flowers, materials, pew bows, guestbook, fountains etc) for under $500.

She didn’t have a set fee for labor…so based on some of her other clients, I offered her $275.  (This is half what the other lady would have charged).

Total (chuppah, decorations, flowers, tablecloths, runners etc):  $925

After listening to the message the second time, I think it is one of the most profound messages about money and marriage I’ve heard. It gets to the root of money problems and identifies the one true solution. I hope you’ll enjoy what I learned. You can listen to the actual message here.

The 5 Minefields: We Need To Defuse Them

1. Meaning of money

Couples should ask themselves what the meaning of money is to them. Often times we enter into our marriage with different definitions. Perhaps its security or perhaps money is the freedom to buy something to make you happy. “If you don’t know what it means to your spouse, you will be talking in foreign languages”, as my pastor said. It’s important to have this discussion and get on the same page.

2. Gender differences

For most males, their need, when it comes to money, is to provide for their family. They like to carry this burden. For most females, their need is to make sure the family is provided for. The challenge, as mentioned, is when the husband might work longer to provide, but the wife thinks his work is his top priority over family. The husband sees it just the opposite. For some husbands, just because they are working hard, it doesn’t mean they love their jobs more than their families. Obviously, too much work can cause the relationship to suffer. My pastor said couples must seek the right balance to confront this issue.

3. Priorities

When we enter into marriage, we enter with different priorities for money too. There is always the question between couples on how they are going to spend their money. Should we buy, save, invest, give, etc. and in what order? Where will we give? On what will we spend our money? If priorities are different; you’re heading for trouble.

4. Debt

According to my pastor, 43% of American families spend more than they earn in any given year. The average family carries $8000 in credit card debt (without car and home loans). In his words, “American families are going down the tube!” Buying now and paying later is not a good plan.

Seems like an oxymoron, but it is possible to plan a wedding without breaking the bank.   Depending on who you ask, the average wedding costs between $20,000 – $30,000!  That’s staggering to me, but as I am in the thick of wedding planning I see how costs can run away from you.  First, you are fighting an uphill battle…everyone wants to sell you the best and will make you believe that you deserve (and you do!) the absolute best…..but at what cost?  That is the question!  Only you can answer that, so you have to determine what is important to you and go from there!  With a little PB & J you can have that frugal wedding!  No, I’m not suggesting you serve peanut butter and jelly at your reception….PB & J is  Prioritize & Plan, Budget, and Justify!  Let’s break it down:

Prioritize & Planning

The key to a frugal wedding is to determine what are your “must haves” and your “would be nice”.  Shortly after the engagement announcement, you and your future spouse should list these together in order of importance.  When it is time to create the budget, you’ll be able to spend more on those areas that matter most.

Planning when & where your event will take place will impact your expenses.  Want to get married on Valentine’s Day?  Your cost just sky rocketed!  Unless you have a sentimental date in mind, you can research which months are less expensive in your area.  Avoid holidays if you plan on using professional services and venues as they tend to charge more around those times.  For example, in the Midwest, October and May are popular wedding months…who knew?!

The time of your wedding can inflate or deflate your bottom line.  Evening weddings are traditionally more formal and cost more.  The attire, decorations and the reception of an evening wedding grows quickly, while an early morning or afternoon ceremony can be followed by a brunch, lunch or hors d’oeuvres reception.

Finally, the day of the week can also impact your budget.  The most popular day for weddings is Saturday and the hospitality & travel industry knows this!  Venues and airfare cost more on the weekend.  Planning your wedding on an unconventional day (like a Tuesday) will slash the cost.  Also, with advance notice, the majority of the people you would invite should still be able to attend.

Budget Your Wedding

Setting up a budget is crucial!  Without one, costs will slip away from you!  To set a wedding budget, determine how much you have and are willing to spend for your special day.  Then, using your prioritized list, start to itemize how much you will allow yourself to spend in each area.  Estimate high as upgrades and little frills quickly add up.  It is better to overestimate than be left short at the end.

Here are some items to consider in your budget:

• Reception  (Most likely your biggest expense and directly impacted by the number of guests)
• Attire
• Flowers and Decorations
• Photography and Video
• Ceremony
• Music
• Stationary
• Wedding Rings
• Favors and Gifts
• Transportation

Justify Costs!

Confession time…I wasn’t the type of girl that grew up planning a fairytale wedding.  In fact, I didn’t think much about what my wedding would be like until the situation was a reality.  I figured I’d be grounded and have no problem remaining objective….I’m a numbers girl!  Well, all that went out the window with the excitement of planning our special day!  But don’t worry, the “justify” has kept me grounded and satisfied as we move forward with our planning.  Unlike needs vs. wants, justifications are not as simple.  You have to ask yourself….can you justify that expense?  Is it really adding value to your day?  Can you justify that reception in the downtown hotel?  Is there another venue that would be more cost friendly?  Can you justify the cost of those rose bouquets?  Would you enjoy your day any less with silk or wild flowers?  Only YOU can answer that!

Hopefully some PB&J will help you plan a frugal wedding!

What about you?  Did you have a frugal wedding or are you planning one?  Share your tips in the comments below!  Help the readers (and me) out!

I pray that my wife and I will arrive at a level of peace and accountability in marriage and finances.  We’ve been blessed with good jobs, a home that’s paid for, and living debt free, yet, for our 13 years of marriage, my wife still insists on keeping separate financial accounts with me paying for most of our home repairs, groceries, etc.  I vote for a joint account and financial dialog for the betterment of our marriage and family but she won’t have it. Her financial history may have been leaner than mine. Regardless of the fact that she’s making much more than I, how can I convince her of the importance of our financial union?

Here’s a little more information shared by the reader via a follow up email:

Has there been past credit card or money mismanagement/trust issues?

We have our history and have been debt free for over 3 years. She is a better money manager than I, for which I have thanked her. We tried a joint account but laid no ground rules and have always been plagued with communication difficulties. Surely this is one of the pillars against our blended finances. She paid more on our old home mortgage and feels entitled to my paying for most everything today. She also has the belief that I should “be the guy” and pay for more than she. I’m okay with dumping in an equal bulk of our incomes for family and household matters, leaving individual remaining amounts for our personal use. We need more dialog and a plan for our finances as we don’t talk about anything and have a couple big expenses coming (AC, further remodeling)

Was her mind made up/set her ways going into the marriage?

She’s developed some strong coping/defense mechanisms and is very independent/self sufficient. I’ve not been able to penetrate a few of these defenses regardless of tact and remain prayerful.

Has she ever had prior spending issues?

I believe she’s always been good with her $$. She used to draw a pretty good income and enjoyed expense accounts and living “above her class”. Sometimes this comes out today. I encourage her to dream, as well as accept the reality of what we have currently. She is a tough brick wall on a few issues and emotions.

Here are a some of my thoughts on this matter:

First, let me say this is not an uncommon situation.  There are many people who are married, share their entire lives with their spouse, but keep their finances separate.  I suppose there could be a number of reasons for this.

Trust and communication issues could be deeply rooted in the marriage.  Some may not know or follow God’s word on such matters.  Still, there are those who say they just like to manage money separately because it’s their preference.

Biblical viewpoint on marriage

But, why should financial separateness in marriage exist?  From a Biblical standpoint we know that God says marriage is two becoming one.  The finances shouldn’t be an exception.

Have you not read that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.   (Matthew 19:4-6)

I fully recognize this Biblical principle may still be difficult for Christians if there are trust or communication issues in the marriage.  Such issues could be the result of spending problems or past financial mistakes.

Here are a few ideas to consider:

Growing in your marriage and with God

I would let her know that there is no other reason to manage money together other than to become closer in our relationship and to be pleasing to God by following his principles.  Managing money together is yet another opportunity to grow the relationship, overcome obstacles and serve as financial stewards of God’s resources together. 

Financial stewardship

Stewardship leads me to the second point I would mention.  Money doesn’t belong to us.  It doesn’t belong to my wife or me.  It belongs to God.  God has entrusted money into our care to manage for him. 

So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful (1 Corinthians 4: 1-2).

Personally, I wouldn’t want to manage money without my spouse.  Women are wise in many ways men are not.  As an example, they typically are better with discernment on matters and especially money obstacles.   I believe both husband and spouse can manage money better together. 

Seek counsel

Finally, if my wife understands and agrees with the Biblical principles and is still having a problem in managing our finances together, I would assume there is an issue either caused by past actions in our relationship or prior to our marriage.  In either case, it may be best to seek counsel to overcome such obstacles.  If there is good communication in the marriage the issue can be openly discussed and perhaps put to rest.  However, if communication is lacking, the help of a Christian counselor may be necessary.

If this is the case, I would ask my wife to go and speak with our pastor, or church elder to receive counsel on the subject.  As an aside, counseling can be a positive experience.  Getting counsel from other Christians can only help a relationship grow stronger. 

What advice or ideas do you have for this reader?

When will the giveaway occur?

I’m going to conduct the giveaway contest the last Friday of each month.  It will run to the following Thursday at 8 PM ET.  The winner will be announced on the following Friday and right here in the comments.  I’ll also send the winner an email.

Why am I starting a giveaway?

Well, I think it’s a great opportunity to give something back to you as a valued reader, or even as a visitor to One Money Design.

How does the monthly giveaway work?

I want to make it as easy as possible for you as a reader or visitor to enter the contest.

1.   You can sign up to receive posts by email or in your feed reader, or connect on Twitter or Facebook (see specific instructions below).  Keep in mind, these different options are based on the honor system.   And if you’re already following in one of these ways, you can just go to step 2.

2.  Then, just leave a comment on the giveaway post to be entered in the drawing.   I’ll pick a winner using random.org.

What types of prizes will be offered in the giveaway contests?

I’m still thinking about this, but I do want to make sure I’m offering resources and tools to help people manage their money more wisely, or learn about Biblical financial principles.  I may work in some non personal finance prizes too.

So to get things started this month I’m giving away Money and Marriage God’s Way by Howard Dayton.   Here are some of the things you’ll learn from reading the book:

• What to do before you say “I Do”
• How to Discover your Financial Personality
• Special interactive online tools that can help you apply the principles you’ve learned
• Practical principles to create a successful money management plan
• Howard also looks at such issues as blending your family, the special challenges of stay-at-home moms, and more

So what do you have to do to win Money and Marriage God’s Way?

Pick one of the below or all three ways to follow me here at One Money Design.  And if you’re already following in one of these ways, you can just go to step 2.

Step 1

1. Sign up to receive posts by email, in your RSS reader, or
2. Become a fan on Facebook, or
3. Follow @onemoneydesign on Twitter.

Step 2

Then, just leave a comment on this post to be entered in the drawing (make sure you enter your email so that I contact you if you win).  The winner will be selected randomly using random.org.

Do this by Thursday, 2/4/10 at 8 PM ET.  The winner will be announced on Twitter and right here in the comments on 2/5/10.

Personal Finance Carnivals

• Carnival of Personal Finance

At the point my wife and I decided it was time to start family planning we immediately knew we wanted to be in a situation to live off of one household income.  At that particular time, we were both working full-time jobs and living comfortably on two incomes.  We felt having her become a stay-at-home-mom would be a great opportunity to spend more time with our children and allow us to further instill our values into their lives.

Making the move to one household income wasnt easy, but it can be done if you set your mind to it.   There are a few practical steps to take when making the transition.

Steps to transition to one household income

1. Remove one income from the budget.  Its better to put this income out of your mind and pretend it never existed.
2. Determine if you have a shortfall and if so, how much it’s going to be for any given month.  Looking at the shortfall will help stimulate conversation about changes in spending that may need to be made.
3. List out all of your expenses and prioritize them from most important to least important.  Most likely your basic living needs will be at the top of the list.
4. Start from the bottom of the list and determine where you might be able to make cuts in spending, either by removing certain expenses completely or cutting back.

There are many discretionary spending reduction opportunities in a typical monthly budget.  Much of the time these can be found in the entertainment category.

Sometimes its difficult to cut back on expenses for emotional reasons.  For example, some people don’t want to cut back on eating out.

If this is the case, you have to weigh your goal of one household income against certain expense cutting opportunities and decide which is more important.  Cutting back or removing expenses may require some tough decision making.

5. Once you’ve made spending adjustments based on your priorities determine if you’re still in the red.  If so, its time to identify what else is keeping you there.  Perhaps it’s debt or a large monthly mortgage payment that was once easily affordable with two incomes.

Overcome debt roadblocks

What do you do if debt is standing in the way of living on one household income?

I coached a couple one time that was so serious about getting debt paid off and living on one household income, the husband sold his truck and downsized to something that wasn’t as appealing to him.  This reduced his total debt obligation and also his monthly payment.  Sometimes downsizing is the answer.

If the debt is with credit cards or school loans, you obviously can’t make it disappear over night.  Another approach is to try to generate more income to pay off the debt quicker.  This could mean working an extra job a few days a week.  If this doesn’t work, unfortunately, it may mean postponing the one household income goal until a certain amount of debt can be paid off.

Additional motivation to pay off debt

Basic expense cutting helped, but unfortunately didnt get us to our one household income goal.  We had to get serious about paying off car loans and a student loan which provided us more motivation to pay off debt than what we had before.

We were able to allocate almost all of my wife’s income to our debt snowball.  Obviously, we weren’t paying as much towards our debt as we could have before deciding we wanted to live on one household income.  You can imagine this particular change greatly increased the velocity of our debt snowball.

When to make the transition to one household income

Looking back, I think our experience would have been better if we didn’t wait to figure this out when we decided to start our family planning.  Everything is always more stressful or urgent when it’s time sensitive.

If you have debt standing in your way from making the transition and youre working against the clock, the stress factor can increase greatly.  So, my recommendation is to try to live off of one income when you first get married.  The extra income can always be applied to savings to help increase the size of an emergency fund or to pay off debt.  Either way, you will avoid having to transition later.

Final thoughts

If youre doing your part, also know that God will do His part too.

The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9 NASB).

If you’re having difficulty in getting to your end goal, keep planning and invite God to help you work in this area of your life.  Should you cut expenses?  Should you take on an extra job?  Is having one spouse stay at home right for your situation?  Seek the Lord to help guide your steps and answer these questions.

Have you been successful in living off one household income in your family?  If so, what steps did you take to accomplish this goal?  Let us know in the comments.